Before I came to realize there is a Higher Power and it is not my father, not my step-father, not my brother, my mother or my ex-boyfriend, I felt unheard, angry and reactive. If I believed that someone had wronged me I had to let them know right then and there because no one was going to walk all over me! I had given people power over my life and my mind so much that anything they said or did was a measurement of my worth, my value. What that person thought of me was absolutely correct because I had so Sense of Self or Self-Worth and because I had no God, they were my God.
When I started to believe in my Higher Power I stopped placing so much weight on what others had to say.
It still hurts when (IF) my dad calls and only talks about himself for 90 minutes, never asking how I’m doing or how I’m feeling or how the latest project is going. But it is ruling my life less and less. If a man I’m dating sends a rude text, I don’t meet him at that level of disrespect or try to cut him deeper, I stand back and talk to God. When my mom is late to the airport (rarely ever happens), I try to understand that she didn’t do it to make me feel less valuable, there are 100 other reasons why she could be late, but none of them determine my value.
I had made everyone else more important or more valuable than me. In my mind they were more important in this world than I was. I made my father, my step-father, my brother, my mom and my ex-boyfriend my God.
I knew that my old way (the one where I’m right no matter what) wasn’t working because relationships didn’t last, I was always justifying my anger, my friends had strong opinions of me and most importantly I was unhappy with my life and I didn’t feel good.
I started praying to God two years ago and I started LISTENING for the answers (meditating) a year ago. I started a prayer box where I wrote down problems I believed only a Higher Power could fix. Each little prayer/problem was dated and thrown into the box. The miracle is, once I put the prayer in the box, the problem almost always went away and often without me even noticing it. I love looking at my old prayers because they are proof that God exists.