Do you ever find yourself wishing you had better friends? Do you feel like your life would be better, more productive, happier, if you surrounded yourself with different people?
I didn’t know anyone when I moved to Los Angeles nine years ago. I was single, I worked all the time, I didn’t have the money to party and I was incredibly lonely. I love fun, intelligent and deep conversations – especially with my friends and I really missed that when I first moved here.
Through the years I fell into a couple of circles, one in Venice and one in Hollywood. I was very excited because I had a place to go, I had a group of people to belong to and it made the loneliness of this big city much more bearable. But as time went on, I realized that those friendships started to feel one-sided. The girls who invited me over as part of the group, all of a sudden stopped. And the ones who still scheduled social time, only did so when they wanted to show me their new place, or wanted me to meet their new boyfriend, or needed me to buy some of their old furniture. They never wanted to come to my place, or see how I’m getting along. It was always me coming to them.
Some friends used me so they wouldn’t be alone. I had a friend who would make plans with me because she was lonely and wanted someone to entertain her, as if I was a lady in waiting in her court. She knew I would say yes because I loved doing things with my friends, but every time I spent time with her, I would drink way too much because I was miserable in her energy, she would leave me as soon as a guy came around and I always went home feeling sad and depressed. It was as if she took all the good energy out of me to fill herself up and even though I was in her presence I still felt alone.
My friendships were no longer symbiotic. Or maybe they never were.
But I kept seeking these friendships. I kept wanting to be invited, even though I wasn’t having fun. Why? Because I wanted to be accepted and cool. I wanted to be part of a crowd, especially a cool crowd that was getting invited to cool things. That is what I wanted from them. I was beating my head on these girls’ doors, wanting true acceptance and belonging, when that was not something they were able to give. In 2016 I lost someone very close to me and none of those girls showed up. Not one. After that, I finally came to realize that I wanted something more than being at all the cool parties, with the cool people. I decided to change my circle and what I want.
I want camaraderie; but even more, I want camaraderie with friends who are making BIG MOVES with their lives. Progressively taking action to make their lives more fulfilled and successful, because that is what I want in my life!
I want friends whom I could call on my way home from work and have a good 10-minute conversation about the election and whether or not the guy she’s dating is cute. I want friends who celebrate my successes as if they are their own.
We are the sum of our parts, ladies. Jim Rohn says we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with and I believe that. Once I realized I was barking up the wrong friend tree, I decided to change my priorities. I wanted to surround myself with women are successful, driven, compassionate and mostly drama-free (a tiny bit of drama is fun sometimes!). I want to spend time with friends who want to spend time with me, want to know what is going on in my life and want to be a part of it, even the mundane stuff, like putting a couch together.
I’m not hurt or mad at those old friends anymore, I don’t miss them. I’ll continue on my journey and so will my tribe. We’re not going to be friends with every single person we ever meet. And now I know the Universe was doing for me what I could not do for myself.
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